Friday 24 November – Departure Day
0900 -Pete telephones Richard to ask what the arrangements are. “Have
you packed your sunglasses?” asked Richard. “Good idea. I’m just
sorting out my travel insurance”.
0925- Richard telephones Pete. “Are you taking gym and swimming kit?”
Pete: “Just swimming stuff”. “And a towel?” “No, it’s a 5 star
hotel. See you at 10.”
1015. Richard arrives at the Old Bridge to find Kevin on his second
pint. Pete & John (dressed unintentionally as a leprechaun) arrive
shortly after. “Is that your case – we’ll all use that should we?” said
Pete, implying that Richard had over-provisioned for the trip. “And is
that your rucksack?” (Pete usually packs only a couple of items of
this point Kev informs us that the pie club has been invited to submit
a quiz team on ‘Brainbox’, a new show on Lion TV. Is this another
opportunity to show us as thick Northern stereotypes, we ask, but we
can’t work out the answer.
1020. Richard Grange arrives from Grange butchers at Slathwaite with a
tray full of fresh pies and sandwiches for the journey. “Oh, Richard”
says Kev, orgasmically. The pies were up to Grange’s usual excellent
standard – thin, crispy pastry and lovely succulent meat – delicious!
The sandwiches were superb too.
1045. Pete takes another opportunity to comment on Richard’s case as
we load his car. “I should have brought a pantechnecon” he quipped.
We all get in the car. Suddenly the rear window opens – apparently of
its own accord. “I hope there isn’t a bloody ejector seat!” says John.
1050. We set off to Blackpool airport (Kev had scoured the net to find
the cheapest flights). Just as we arrived, the batteries ran out on
the camera, which Lyndsey (landlady at the bridge) had lent us.
Luckily, Richard had brought a camera as well.
The flight was pretty uneventful – John and Kevin drinking cans of
“There are a lot of old people on this flight”, said Pete. “ You look
the youngest in our group, Kev” said Richard, “ do you dye your
hair?” “ He doesn’t need to. It’s so short he could paint it”. Pete
had us laughing in the aisles already.
From the airport in Tenerife we took a taxi to the Costa Adeje Grande
hotel. Luxury 5 star!
John and Kev were in stitches when they realised that Pete &
Richard (the ‘girls’) would be sharing a double bed, as their room had
singles. (Pete & Richard wondered whether the room allocation was
as random as Kevin said it was).
Dinner in the restaurant (lovely meal cooked to order) and a walk down
to the sea front to find a bar. Kev orders “3 pints, and a senorita
for Pete”. True to form, when the waiter brought the bill Pete
disappears to make a ‘phone call.
Pete gets lost on his way to the hotel breakfast room so has to
breakfast alone. After breakfast we walked from Adeje to Playa de las
Americas via 15 perfume and cheap spirit shops. After a toilet stop
for Pete at the Volcano hotel (he said the name was like the state of
his stomach) we had lunch – Spanish omelettes. Kev and John had beer.
The ‘girls’ as Kevin affectionately called them (Richard and Pete) had
wine and coke.
We walked along in glorious sunshine and stopped to watch the wind
surfers. “Let’s have a beer”, said John.
The lager came in glass Wellington boots – 1.5 litres. John’s capacity
to drink is a source of constant fascination and admiration for Pete.
“That’s not a beer” said Pete, “it’s a party seven!”
When we arrived back at the hotel, Kevin and John decided their
Adonis-like bodies would look better bronzed, at least this was their
excuse for going to the nude sunbathing rooftop.
Later in the afternoon we all have wine on the balcony, and a minor
panic as Kev’s room safe wouldn’t open (much to Peter’s delight as he
had refused to pay towards a locking safe).
In the evening we took a taxi into Playa de las Americas. Kev took us
to a tribute bar, where he had reserved our seats, but we were moved to
other seats and still had to pay 3 euros each for the privilege.
Drinks were expensive, but the acts were good. Kev got chatting with
some Essex girls, but didn’t pull (one told Kev she thought Richard was
distinguished and good looking.)
Moved on to the Irish bar (the Hole in the Wall). Great music,
guinness and lively clientele! (mature women throwing their bras at
Elvis act). Kev stayed back to chat with a group of ladies from
1.30 am Got back to hotel. John & Kev went to the bar for another
Kev, John and Richard went to the hotel’s posh restaurant for breakfast
but this time were sent packing to the cheap one, which was just as
well for Pete as he couldn’t find his way to the posh one.
Los Christianos. We popped into the supermarket for some water. “Why
don’t you take it from the chilled cabinet, Kev?” asked Richard. Kev,
who had drunk 11 pints of ice-cold lager the day before explained “ I
don’t drink chilled water - it upsets my stomach” !!!!
We walked back from Los Cristianos. “Are we having another boot on the
way?” John suggested. We stopped for a drink, and lunch in Playa de
las Americas. Over lunch, we realised that next year would be the 25th
anniversary of the first pie club meeting, and we ought to think about
how to celebrate. This moved on to reminiscing about members who had
come and gone over the years. Discussion focussed on the ‘Brighouse
Blobbers’ , a group of pie club members from Brighouse who left ‘en
masse’ in the mid 1980s. Kevin returned from the gents. “ I’ve been
thinking about why the blobbers left”, he said. “there was a time when
I started marking the man, not the pie, because of the fall-outs. It
was a difficult time for the pie club – them and us- for about 6
After the gym closed, the Brighouse contingent came in one car, and
they would come late because they’d been to another pub. This is when
Pete coined the phrase ‘Brighouse Blobbers’. We realised it was the
gym they had been coming for, not the pie club” he said,
philosophically and with a touch of disbelief that anyone would put the
pie club second to another lifestyle choice. Richard, who is a relative
newcomer to the pie club with only 20 years service, was keen to
explore this dedication further. “ Would you swap the pie club for the
life of a millionaire, Kev?” Before he had chance to reply, Pete
couldn’t resist the opportunity. “ What do you mean? – he does live
like a millionaire. Holidays abroad, waited on hand and foot, never
seen the inside of a supermarket until he came abroad…. What a
life!”. “ Not bad for a lorry driver” added Kevin, smiling.
evening meal in the hotel and debated whether to go back to the Irish
bar in Las Americas. We decided against it because we had a 5.15 am
early call to look forward to (Kev’s cheapest flight policy had left us
with a Monday early morning flight). Instead we found an upmarket
restaurant/wine bar in Adeje, and we had a quiet drink outside. PETE
PAID FOR THE DRINKS, but the waiter didn’t return with his change. We
waited for 10 minutes then decided to give it up (Pete having toyed
with the idea of running off with the table lamp in compensation).
We walked along and had another drink at the Elton John bar. Pete made
a comment about how high the wind was. This sparked off a discussion
between Kev and John about their schooldays, when they had ‘peeing
competitions’, to see who could pee higher than the toilet block wall.
The physiological impact of ageing on pissing prowess inevitably
followed, with Pete remarking on the correlation between increasing age
and decreasing peeing potency - his having become a ‘trickle by
Back to the hotel, and John and Kev stayed up for another pint.
Monday – Coming Home
5.45 alarm. Pete hadn’t slept a wink – not a jot. He had been
worrying about things (mainly the waiter taking a tip without being
offered one). “when you (Kevin) and John got back from the bar, you got
in, shouted a lot, and fell asleep. After your banging, shouting and
farting I couldn’t get to sleep. All I could hear all night was Richard
Peter couldn’t find his car keys and started to panic. He looked
everywhere in the room. “they will cost me £100 to replace” – the
blood was draining from his face at this prospect. Eventually he found
them – in his shoe (he had refused to pay for the safe)!
Kev had arranged for us to have an early breakfast. As he packed up
his lunch from the breakfast baps, Pete (whose admiration for Kevin’s
digestive capacity was unerring) said “Your calorie intake is amazing
Kevin – but you do eat healthily”. “No I don’t” protested Kevin, who
clearly regarded a reputation for healthy eating as an insult to his
6.40 We arrived at the airport. Flight delayed by 4 hours!! “I’d
better text home”, said Pete. “How do you spell Lanzarote?” “L…a….n…
15 minutes later a reply arrives from Pete’s wife, Chris. “What do you
mean you are delayed in Lanzarote, I thought you were in Tenerife!”
We spent the 4 hours outside the airport debating whether to go back to
Adeje and enjoy the sun and the beach. Pete wasn’t keen on paying for
a taxi, so we stayed at the airport.
Good flight back to Blackpool. All in all, a very enjoyable and
uneventful trip we thought. Then John got stopped at customs in
Blackpool and Pete got flashed by a speed camera as he was
demonstrating his sophisticated speed camera detection equipment on the
Back to the Bridge for pies and a beer. What a great end to another
great holiday! Thanks, Adeje Grand.